Have you thought about Marriage or Couples Counseling?

The case for couples counseling. We hear a lot about broken relationships, divorce, couples separating and sometimes even the best of relationships succumb to the pressures of life's challenges.

Sometimes, communication hits a wall. Full participation in the marriage might be lacking. Negativity may have replaced previous attempts at living peaceably as a happy family.

Whatever the life or circumstance changes that precipitated thoughts of breaking up, it can be helpful to take a step back and consider the whole picture before going forward with solutions that are difficult to reverse.

Below are articles that discuss some of the issues at stake that may be addressed in marriage counseling.

July 13, 2020 by Virgil Roberson

Couples in Conflict

By Virgil Roberson, L.P., M. Div., NCPsyA, Executive Director

During our current health crisis, a lot has been written about how social distancing and forced proximity within families create new challenges and potential conflicts for couples. Parents have had to come up with new routines for work and child care that require changed patterns of behavior, greater flexibility, and enormous patience, all while living in a time of profound stress and uncertainty for themselves and their children. While making these adjustments, some couples have discovered differences in their approach to the crisis that have created unexpected areas of conflict. All this on top of worrying about how to stay healthy, how to respond to financial strains and insecurities, and how to keep their children safe and productively engaged.

[Read more…]

October 9, 2015 by Virgil Roberson

Make Time For A Relationship Review

Recently a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, Elizabeth Bernstein, brought up some very important points about relationship check ups and reviews. Some analogies were made that strongly support the idea that a regular review of our relationships can do much to prevent the pitfalls that lead to broken communication and the demise of many marriages.

For instance, we schedule dental checkups to prevent irreversible problems such as loss of teeth and health. Aren’t our relationships just as important to us? When we say “til death do we part” don’t we want to mean it? If we really mean it, we must also be committed to what is necessary to maintain the health of these relationships.

We often let problems fester when it would be so much easier if we brought our thoughts out into the open. When we push down feelings and thoughts they tend to expand into much more stubborn issues. Sometimes it takes just a few words to clear up or prevent misunderstandings. When we share our concerns with our partner or spouse it develops an intimacy and a trust – especially when approached with a kind, rather than an attacking attitude.

Prevention is Key To Successful Relationship and Marriage Counseling

Many times when couples go for counseling they have reached a point where communication is strained and difficult. However, much can be done to prevent the relationship from getting to this point. There is no need to wait until the relationship is broken to start trying to fix it. Remember the old adage – “a stitch in time saves nine.” The rewards can be great if the effort is made to set aside specific time on a regular basis for the couple to check in with each other, examine how the relationship is going and see if needs are being met. Thus they catch problems before they grow while at the same time nurturing the foundation of their marriage.

Relationship reviews are not opportunities to nag, complain, stress out, blame, criticize, be insensitive, inconsistent or preachy. Rather, these reviews aim to engage in a helpful conversation that is supportive, attentive, problem solving and loving. They are a time to empathize, de-stress, comfort, reassure and strengthen the bonds that unite the couple. As Ms. Bernstein points out – Drs. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks (the famed psychologists, authors and relationship coaches) do performance reviews with her each other twice a week. Dr. Kathlyn describes it this way – “It gives us a safe, sure place to talk about our emotions.”

If the review makes your relationship worse, or causes a lot of arguing, you may need relationship counseling. “If you are doing it well, you can tell because you will feel closer to each other and will each feel understood,” Dr. Cordova says.¹

The Importance of ‘Teamwork’ in Relationship / Marriage Counseling and Reviews

We understand “teamwork” when it comes to the sports arena. How positive the effect could be for a couple to view themselves as partners and strive to communicate consistently so that each stays cognizant of what works or doesn’t work to support the “team’s” best interests and happiness. With reminders of the escalating rates of divorce, it seems essential to make the effort to stay ahead of all the added pressures of daily living that can take its toll on the fabric of marriages and the family unit. By checking in with each other, reviewing the status and quality of their lives, couples have a much greater chance of not just surviving, but thriving – within a powerful, intimate, peaceful loving partnership.

¹ Elizabeth Bernstein, “A Performance Review May Be Good for Your Marriage,” Wall Street Journal, October 5, 2015 https://www.wsj.com/articles/a-performance-review-may-be-good-for-your-marriage-1444068231.

April 15, 2015 by Virgil Roberson

When the wedding is over will you be ready for the marriage to begin?

Most couples put an incredible amount of time, energy, expectations, planning and finances into their wedding. The romance and excitement revolving around that one day can be beyond overwhelming. But what of the days, weeks, and years that follow this magnificent day?

Having prepared thoroughly for that perfect wedding day, the question arises – “Has the life after the wedding been prepared for as carefully, attentively and thoroughly?” What about the actual marriage? What can prepare a couple for the ups and downs of married life, the issues of living together, the strategies of bringing two worlds together to function in harmony as one?

As individuals we face life challenges – daily decision making regarding jobs, finances, living arrangements, health and wellness issues, as well as perceived – psychological, emotional and physical needs. We have family concerns, habits and routines, obligations, spiritual lives, patterns of living. When teaming up with a partner it may be advantageous to learn strategies and skills aimed at synchronizing each individual’s picture of the “good life”. Each partner brings their own opinions, hopes and dreams to the “table”. Good communication is essential for a strong, successful, happy marriage.

As the couple gets to know each other they find their images of what married life offers may vary. Choosing premarital counseling can be a way to get familiar with each other’s vision and pave the way for a thoughtful, loving and cooperative partnership. Premarital counseling sessions can help couples avoid the roadblocks that can hit once the honeymoon is over. They can help allay fears, answer tough questions, face possible pitfalls, as well as, prepare for and problem solve potential differences so that there are less unwanted surprises, and more agreements on the journey ahead.

What married couple does not want to live peacefully and happily ever after? Marriage is a huge life transition and commitment. If we treat it respectfully and prepare for it wisely, the rewards will more likely be treasured for years to come. Premarital counseling sessions can make a world of difference as a couple moves forward in their new shared life grounded in strength, trust and togetherness.

Photo credit: Austin Ban

August 21, 2014 by Virgil Roberson

Infidelity Counseling

When a couple’s world is shaken up and turned upside down by infidelity, the subsequent deluge of emotions may be difficult to circumvent on one’s own. During these times of immeasurable stress it can be a life saver to contact a therapist to begin infidelity counseling to assist in what can be otherwise a very long road to healing.

Save Your Other Relationships By Considering Infidelity Counseling

Expressing the feelings of betrayal, jealousy, rage, denial, confusion and grief to a non-judgmental professional within the context of infidelity counseling, rather than friends and family, can help to sort and resolve the many issues surrounding the causes and meaning behind acts of infidelity. There are the cases of repeated infidelity, conflicting feelings about hiding or revealing infidelity, guilt, anger, vengeance, blame. The difficulty in facing infidelity and all the perceptions of what it can represent – pertaining to relationships, security, attractiveness, neediness, addictions – can become too overwhelming.

Getting lost in the repetitive nightmare of betrayal thoughts, chaos, and the constant fighting that often occurs in the aftermath of incidences of infidelity, tends only to further deepen the already excruciating pain. For the sake of everyone’s health, the couple involved, their family members and their friends as well, it is wise and comforting to seek the guidance, understanding, empathy, and support of a therapeutic counseling relationship. Within the safety of the client-therapist relationship, couples and individuals can learn to communicate in new and freeing ways that work on building healthy, honest, fulfilling, real and open minded relationships. These are outcomes that are feasible and very possible once the burdens of emotional pain, resentment and betrayal have been looked at, addressed, released and resolved.

August 13, 2014 by Virgil Roberson

Empty Nest Depression

What happens to the parents left behind when the kids leave them with an empty nest? Does it feel like life is losing its center focus? How does one approach the sense of loss – of identity, of roles, of purpose, of a place in the world? The choices in which to respond may seem endless but how does one move forward when all one feels is sadness and even despair?

Empty Nest: Coming to Terms

Releasing fear and other blocks is key to proceeding so that changes in life and routines can evolve and be inspired from a calm and peaceful state of mind. Navigating this transition within the therapist-client relationship through individual or couples counseling can serve to hasten the journey through the gamut of emotions that may include fear of loneliness, panic for children going out into the world, anxiety for their and one’s own safety, as well as, boredom and unhappiness and loss of self-worth.

One cannot surmount and overcome the fears without looking at the thoughts, needs and beliefs from which they arise. The feeling of being out of control of our own and others’ lives, triggered by the changed environment and the judgments about empty nest circumstances, can leave one feeling confused, frightened and depressed about future goals and happiness.

While reasons for sadness may appear obvious and expected, the underlying assumptions and beliefs may not be as clear. In order to change the mind and gain a new perspective it may require time, discipline and dedication to explore the underlying causes for the conflicts – work that with the help of a therapist, can be more easily accomplished and achieved. Through the client-therapist relationship, beliefs and judgements that interfere with one’s advancement to peace and happiness can be examined and released to make room for healing, along with new ideas, attitudes, behaviors and goals.

Photo credit: Joshua Earle