Virgil Roberson

NY Licensed Psychoanalyst :: Virgil Roberson

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Have you thought about Marriage or Couples Counseling?

The case for couples counseling. We hear a lot about broken relationships, divorce, couples separating and sometimes even the best of relationships succumb to the pressures of life's challenges.

Sometimes, communication hits a wall. Full participation in the marriage might be lacking. Negativity may have replaced previous attempts at living peaceably as a happy family.

Whatever the life or circumstance changes that precipitated thoughts of breaking up, it can be helpful to take a step back and consider the whole picture before going forward with solutions that are difficult to reverse.

Below are articles that discuss some of the issues at stake that may be addressed in marriage counseling.

July 13, 2020 by Virgil Roberson

Couples in Conflict

By Virgil Roberson, L.P., M. Div., NCPsyA, Executive Director

During our current health crisis, a lot has been written about how social distancing and forced proximity within families create new challenges and potential conflicts for couples.  Parents have had to come up with new routines for work and child care that require changed patterns of behavior, greater flexibility, and enormous patience, all while living in a time of profound stress and uncertainty for themselves and their children.  While making these adjustments, some couples have discovered differences in their approach to the crisis that have created unexpected areas of conflict.  All this on top of worrying about how to stay healthy, how to respond to financial strains and insecurities, and how to keep their children safe and productively engaged.  

Less has been written about the unaddressed and unresolved issues that couples bring with them into these situations.  Such underlying issues can have a significant impact on how a couple responds. In fact, stress and proximity can be the very triggers that unearth and set off these unhealthy behaviors tied to underlying issues.  And yet the couple may not even be aware of them, or is perhaps not yet ready to acknowledge them to oneself or one’s partner.

Although all couples have some unresolved issues, the couples that have allowed these issues to lie dormant, or have been aware of them without beginning to talk about them, may feel their impact keenly.  The issues may find expression in increased levels of anxiety, depression, and a desperate need to know when, and if, this is ever going to end.  Such discontent can exacerbate an already stressful landscape at home.

In his book The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, John Gottman, American psychology researcher and expert on coupledom, talks about four behaviors that can be warning signs of a deteriorating relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  

Criticism arises when either partner resorts to “you are” or “you did” statements, rather than “I feel” statements, towards the other.  Such communication often proves unhelpful and can lead down a futile path to what Gottman calls the other three horseman, beginning with contempt. Contempt can appear as non-verbal methods of expressing judgement, such as deep sighs, making a face, or rolling one’s eyes. These sarcastic postures can then evolve into the third horseman, defensiveness, an automatic defense of one’s behavior.  Fights often result in which each partner returns the criticism, even escalating it, without taking responsibility for any part of the interaction. In other words, each member of the couple sees the other as fully responsible for what is not working in the relationship.  

Couples are rarely able to hear and relate to each other once the communication becomes either/or, black/white, right/wrong.  The fourth horseman, stonewalling, can then come into play.  As the saying goes, it can be silent but deadly. Stonewalling involves a conscious shutting down, an emotional withdrawal, or a “flight” response. The vibe is, “I am closing my partner out.” What originates as a way to protect oneself becomes a loud way of saying, “I will not let you in no matter what,” and, most toxically, “I don’t care about you.”  

A simple example of the full pattern might be: “You are always leaving dishes in the sink” with the receiver making an exasperated face, whereby the critical partner then goes on the defensive with, “I have to do everything around here —work all day and then work more for you.” The receiver reverts to stonewalling by not looking at the other and going silent long enough to convey resentment. 

Whatever the couple’s unique cycle, it is often repeated for days, weeks, months, even years–until the destructive dance can no longer be tolerated by one or both of the partners. These toxic ways of communicating become the predominant way the couple interacts and thus, each person emerges with deep hurts, even scars, which take a long time to work through and heal from.  

Often, couples enter therapy either individually to deal with their discontent about the relationship or as a couple attempting to sort out their issues and break the self-defeating cycle. In order to get some foothold and begin to undo the damaging dynamic, one of the partners must be willing to “let go” of their part in the power struggle.  Without that willingness, without letting go of the rope that unites the couple in this tug of war, the struggle will continue. Letting go does not mean letting go of the relationship, but rather letting go of one’s own part in insisting on being right, expressing resentment, and reacting or retreating.

Unresolved issues between partners can also be expressed in many other forms of unhealthy behavior. Throughout the U.S., domestic abuse has risen by a startling 35% during the coronavirus pandemic, with similar increases reported worldwide (30 % in France, 18% in Spain, and 30% more calls to domestic abuse help lines in Singapore), making the term “intimate terrorism” especially relevant.  In addition, many people who experience ongoing struggles with addiction have found it more challenging to stick with their programs, especially now that they no longer have access to face-to-face support groups and other forms of in-person assistance, leading to relapses in all forms of addictive behavior, including those to do with gambling, alcohol, eating, sex, drugs, etc.  

Meeting with a professional therapist, even via virtual means, can be helpful for couples facing such challenges.  In fact, the current conditions of social isolation may provide an optimal opportunity for therapy, in that couples may now have the time, flexibility, and physical proximity so necessary for the therapeutic process.  

During my almost thirty years of working with couples, I’ve found that they usually seek therapy after the deep-seated issues have sparked emotions and behaviors that cannot be swept away.  It’s been noted that divorce lawyers are especially busy around Christmas and New Year’s, or after a significant anniversary in the couple’s life, when one or both partners take stock and ask if they want to continue together in the same manner for another year. 

It’s as if the yellow “maintenance required” light in your car has been flashing for some time, and suddenly it begins flashing red.  Taking the car to a mechanic is no longer an option.  And, in fact, further damage to the car may already have been done, requiring more extensive repairs.  Similarly, it’s better to tackle these deeper issues in a relationship before they become critical.

How might a professional therapist help a couple begin to address their concerns? 

A therapist might suggest a couple take time to simply be with each other, to talk honestly about the status of their relationship. Partners might ask themselves: What are my hopes for our time together now and after the coronavirus crisis is over? How might we reshape our relationship and interact differently? What do we need from each other? Can we agree to promise to validate each other? Will we commit to working together to stop the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling? 

One exercise I’ve encouraged couples to try involves sitting together without distractions for thirty minutes, looking at each other in the quiet. (Some couples like to put their hand on each other’s heart.) Then one partner speaks for fifteen minutes about their thoughts and feelings, and describes what they hope to find in the relationship.  During this time, the other partner is only allowed to acknowledge and validate what is being said.  They are the vessel, listening and taking in what is being communicated.  Then the partners switch roles.

As much as a couple can benefit from spending time together during this so called pause in our nation’s civic life, each half of a couple also needs time apart. Cutting each other some slack, having each other’s back, and also giving each other the gift of honest care and appropriate boundaries are the best ways to honor oneself and the relationship.

As you consider whether seeing a therapist is right for you, you might ask these questions: Are the close confines imposed by the required social isolation bringing out more negative reactions in your relationship? Are you and your partner struggling to traverse this challenging time? Do you feel that you, as a couple, could use support and guidance, both right now and as you consider going forward during this uncharted period?  

Here at The Counseling Center in Bronxville we are continuing to offer therapy with individuals and couples, either through video platforms or telephonically. Please feel free to reach out if we can help. 

Filed Under: marriage couples counseling

October 9, 2015 by Virgil Roberson

Make Time For A Relationship Review

Its Worth Making Time For A Relationship Review

Recently a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, Elizabeth Bernstein, brought up some very important points about relationship check ups and reviews. Some analogies were made that strongly support the idea that a regular review of our relationships can do much to prevent the pitfalls that lead to broken communication and the demise of many marriages.

For instance, we schedule dental checkups to prevent irreversible problems such as loss of teeth and health. Aren’t our relationships just as important to us? When we say “til death do we part” don’t we want to mean it? If we really mean it, we must also be committed to what is necessary to maintain the health of these relationships.

We often let problems fester when it would be so much easier if we brought our thoughts out into the open. When we push down feelings and thoughts they tend to expand into much more stubborn issues. Sometimes it takes just a few words to clear up or prevent misunderstandings. When we share our concerns with our partner or spouse it develops an intimacy and a trust – especially when approached with a kind, rather than an attacking attitude.

Prevention is Key To Successful Relationship and Marriage Counseling

Many times when couples go for counseling they have reached a point where communication is strained and difficult. However, much can be done to prevent the relationship from getting to this point. There is no need to wait until the relationship is broken to start trying to fix it. Remember the old adage – “a stitch in time saves nine.” The rewards can be great if the effort is made to set aside specific time on a regular basis for the couple to check in with each other, examine how the relationship is going and see if needs are being met. Thus they catch problems before they grow while at the same time nurturing the foundation of their marriage.

Relationship reviews are not opportunities to nag, complain, stress out, blame, criticize, be insensitive, inconsistent or preachy. Rather, these reviews aim to engage in a helpful conversation that is supportive, attentive, problem solving and loving. They are a time to empathize, de-stress, comfort, reassure and strengthen the bonds that unite the couple. As Ms. Bernstein points out – Drs. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks (the famed psychologists, authors and relationship coaches) do performance reviews with her each other twice a week. Dr. Kathlyn describes it this way – “It gives us a safe, sure place to talk about our emotions.”

If the review makes your relationship worse, or causes a lot of arguing, you may need relationship counseling. “If you are doing it well, you can tell because you will feel closer to each other and will each feel understood,” Dr. Cordova says.1

The Importance of ‘Teamwork’ in Relationship / Marriage Counseling and Reviews

We understand “teamwork” when it comes to the sports arena. How positive the effect could be for a couple to view themselves as partners and strive to communicate consistently so that each stays cognizant of what works or doesn’t work to support the “team’s” best interests and happiness. With reminders of the escalating rates of divorce, it seems essential to make the effort to stay ahead of all the added pressures of daily living that can take its toll on the fabric of marriages and the family unit. By checking in with each other, reviewing the status and quality of their lives, couples have a much greater chance of not just surviving, but thriving – within a powerful, intimate, peaceful loving partnership.


1 Elizabeth Bernstein, “A Performance Review May Be Good for Your Marriage,” Wall Street Journal, October 5, 2015 https://www.wsj.com/articles/a-performance-review-may-be-good-for-your-marriage-1444068231.

Filed Under: marriage couples counseling

April 15, 2015 by Virgil Roberson

When the wedding is over will you be ready for the marriage to begin?

when-wedding-over-ready-for-marriage-being

Most couples put an incredible amount of time, energy, expectations, planning and finances into their wedding.  The romance and excitement revolving around that one day can be beyond overwhelming.  But what of the days, weeks, and years that follow this magnificent day?

Having prepared thoroughly for that perfect wedding day, the question arises – “Has the life after the wedding been prepared for as carefully, attentively and thoroughly?”  What about the actual marriage?  What can prepare a couple for the ups and downs of married life, the issues of living together, the strategies of bringing two worlds together to function in harmony as one?

As individuals we face life challenges –  daily decision making regarding jobs, finances, living arrangements, health and wellness issues, as well as perceived – psychological, emotional and physical needs.  We have family concerns, habits and routines, obligations, spiritual lives, patterns of living.  When teaming up with a partner it may be advantageous to learn strategies and skills aimed at synchronizing each individual’s picture of the “good life”.  Each partner brings their own opinions, hopes and dreams to the “table”.  Good communication is essential for a strong, successful, happy marriage.

As the couple gets to know each other they find their images of what married life offers may vary.  Choosing premarital counseling can be a way to get familiar with each other’s vision and pave the way for a thoughtful, loving and cooperative partnership.  Premarital counseling sessions can help couples avoid the roadblocks that can hit once the honeymoon is over.  They can help allay fears, answer tough questions, face possible pitfalls, as well as, prepare for and problem solve potential differences so that there are less unwanted surprises, and more agreements on the journey ahead.

What married couple does not want to live peacefully and happily ever after?  Marriage is a huge life transition and commitment.  If we treat it respectfully and prepare for it wisely, the rewards will more likely be treasured for years to come.  Premarital counseling sessions can make a world of difference as a couple moves forward in their new shared life grounded in strength, trust and togetherness.

Photo credit: Austin Ban

Filed Under: marriage couples counseling, premartial counseling

August 21, 2014 by Virgil Roberson

Infidelity Counseling

When a couple’s world is shaken up and turned upside down by infidelity, the subsequent deluge of emotions may be difficult to circumvent on one’s own.  During these times of immeasurable stress it can be a life saver to contact a therapist to begin infidelity counseling to assist in what can be otherwise a very long road to healing.

Save Your Other Relationships By Considering Infidelity Counseling

Expressing the feelings of betrayal, jealousy, rage, denial, confusion and grief to a non-judgmental professional within the context of infidelity counseling, rather than friends and family, can help to sort and resolve the many issues surrounding the causes and meaning behind acts of infidelity.  There are the cases of repeated infidelity, conflicting feelings about hiding or revealing infidelity, guilt, anger, vengeance, blame.  The difficulty in facing infidelity and all the perceptions of what it can represent – pertaining to relationships, security, attractiveness, neediness, addictions – can become too overwhelming.

Getting lost in the repetitive nightmare of betrayal thoughts, chaos, and the constant fighting that often occurs in the aftermath of incidences of infidelity, tends only to further deepen the already excruciating pain.  For the sake of everyone’s health, the couple involved, their family members and their friends as well, it is wise and comforting to seek the guidance, understanding, empathy, and support of a therapeutic counseling relationship. Within the safety of the client-therapist relationship, couples and individuals can learn to communicate in new and freeing ways that work on building healthy, honest, fulfilling, real and open minded relationships. These are outcomes that are feasible and very possible once the burdens of emotional pain, resentment and betrayal have been looked at, addressed, released and resolved.

Filed Under: depression, individual therapy, marriage couples counseling

August 13, 2014 by Virgil Roberson

Empty Nest Depression

What happens to the parents left behind when the kids leave them with an empty nest? Does it feel like life is losing its center focus? How does one approach the sense of loss – of identity, of roles, of purpose, of a place in the world? The choices in which to respond may seem endless but how does one move forward when all one feels is sadness and even despair?

Empty nest

Empty Nest: Coming to Terms

Releasing fear and other blocks is key to proceeding so that changes in life and routines can evolve and be inspired from a calm and peaceful state of mind. Navigating this transition within the therapist-client relationship through individual or couples counseling can serve to hasten the journey through the gamut of emotions that may include fear of loneliness, panic for children going out into the world, anxiety for their and one’s own safety, as well as, boredom and unhappiness and loss of self-worth.

One cannot surmount and overcome the fears without looking at the thoughts, needs and beliefs from which they arise. The feeling of being out of control of our own and others’ lives, triggered by the changed environment and the judgments about empty nest circumstances, can leave one feeling confused, frightened and depressed about future goals and happiness.

While reasons for sadness may appear obvious and expected, the underlying assumptions and beliefs may not be as clear. In order to change the mind and gain a new perspective it may require time, discipline and dedication to explore the underlying causes for the conflicts – work that with the help of a therapist, can be more easily accomplished and achieved. Through the client-therapist relationship, beliefs and judgements that interfere with one’s advancement to peace and happiness can be examined and released to make room for healing, along with new ideas, attitudes, behaviors and goals.

Photo credit: Joshua Earle

Filed Under: depression, individual therapy, marriage couples counseling

Virgil Roberson, NY Licensed Psychoanalyst

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Contact Info

Virgil Roberson, L.P., M.Div., NCPsyA
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, NY 10708
Phone: 212-581-5428
virgil@virgilroberson.com
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